Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Inauguration & Steve Martin

You know just thinking about the inauguration reminds me of an old Frank Capra movie. You have an outsider, but heroic man of the people, in a position to finally bring about change. A real life “Mr. Smith” going to Washington to shake up that gaggle of old, conservative, Republican curmudgeons and turn D.C. from a cesspool of corruption and greed into a utopia we can scarcely imagine. And you just know he will succeed because, well gosh darn it, he’s not one of them, the politicians who will say anything just to win. He’s real, he’s one of us and he’s not going to compromise our general welfare.

Oh well, I’m sure Jimmy Carter really did have the best intentions on his inauguration day even though he turned out to be a pisspoor Jimmy Stewart. C’est la vie. But hey time has been good to Carter. Despite the fact that his job approval rating dropped nearly 40% during his actual tenure at the White House, Carter is nevertheless fondly remembered now. Barely two years ago when the folks over at Gallup conducted their greatest US presidents in history poll, Jimmy managed to tie scores with Dwight Eisenhower, Theodore Roosevelt and even one of the founding father’s of our country, Thomas Jefferson. Evidently, the Mount Rushmore reps should have waited til all the figures came in.

Maybe likewise, despite the fact that it may not have been really THAT good, perhaps time has skewed my sense of reality and I remember the Saturday Night Live episodes of the 70s with far more fondness then they actually deserve?

Back in the 70s it seemed that everyone who appeared on SNLwas hilarious, from each member of the cast to those particular hosts that appeared with such regularity they might as well have been cast members. Again, I might be romanticizing the past but just saying hypothetically I was old enough to remember with clarity the original SNL broadcasts, I think I can answer emphatically that I’m not romanticizing anything. Those original episodes WERE funnier than any of the later incarnations. They were all about innovation. I’m not saying they didn’t have any clinkers but the majority of what they did, they did first. And sadly, the majority of the thirty years since it’s inception has just been derivative; a variation on those first five years. Every now and again you’ll get a good sequel, but essentially what you’re watching is, in fact, nothing more than that.

Although I don’t really watch it anymore, I recently tuned in to catch host Hugh Laurie in the vain hope that my beloved Steven Fry might make an unscheduled appearance. One of the segments was a talk show featuring two women with heavy Bronx accents. At least in past SNL talk show scenarios, you could find vague reasons as to why the “host” was given their own show. This version only served to show off “wacky accents.” Not only was this heinously unfunny skit a complete and total rip off of “Coffee Talk,” one of the “hostesses” actually came ridiculously close to saying she was verklempt.

But even the talk show format wasn’t new to Mike Myers. Gilda Radner did it way back in the day. And when she did HER version of Barbara Walters, she was taking a real risk. Don’t forget that before Barbara Walters sabotaged her career with that current asinine morning show of hers, she was considered an incredibly respected journalist, garnering worldwide reverence. What made Radner so brilliant was the fact that she wasn’t afraid to mock that reputation. Nowadays of course it’s commonplace to mock everyone; but before Radner, even comedians were reticent about skewering the internationally adored.

Now obviously people are always going to be inspired by other people. There’s something to that notion that there are merely six original ideas floating around in the ether. Certainly Shakespeare stole. Mozart stole. But what made both these guys more creative than crook is is the fact that what they stole, they made better. They did not merely plagiarize. So yeah although the “Jeopardy concept” was yet another skit stolen from the original SNL series, in Darrell Hammond’s (& even sometimes Norm Macdonald’s) hands there were more than a few moments of sheer beauty. Unfortunately those moments are overshadowed by the fact that nearly every segment of every season of every SNL since 1980 runs about five minutes too long. There has rarely been an instant since that original season where SNL has left you wanting more. “Brevity is the soul of wit,” just to reference Shakespeare again. And before any of my smartass pals point out that my lengthy blogging style is anything but demonstrative of that idea and also note it was a little weird to mention Shakespeare in the same paragraph as Norm Macdonald, I…grr…I can’t think of anything really cutting to say. So just think of something really cleverly sardonic and pretend I said it to you. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

So, what this all boils down to is, what the hell is wrong with Steve Martin?

Like I said, not only were the shows funnier back then, but so were the people – including the host with the most, Steve “King Tut” Martin. If I’m not mistaken he has hosted SNL more than anyone. And again while the bits on the show weren’t always masterpieces, they were generally his own. He held so much promise in the early part of his film career as well. Apart from The Jerk being a goofily stupid film, Martin still has moments of perfection from his opening lines, “I was born a poor young black boy,” to that whole thing about the ashtray – which certain members of my familia will still quote at the drop of a hat. Martin, like Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd, used to be genuinely hilarious.


And like us who quote The Jerk, I don’t know one guy who doesn’t know how to do an impersonation of Chevy Chase golfing in Caddyshack. Not a huge fan of that one but I ADORE Seems Like Old Times and Chevy has some really outstanding moments in Foul Play.

And of course Dan Aykroyd. What the hey, Dan?! You were, bar none, the greatest actor ever on SNL. From calling Jane an ignorant slut to the Bass-o-matic; from Julia Childs to (bringing it full circle) Jimmy Carter. No one could touch you with regard to consistency and brilliance. At least you’re not the punch line poor Chevy Chase has become. Actually poor Chevy Chase is so off the radar he doesn’t even really merit punch line status these days. I think your main problem, Dan, is you just want to be taken seriously so badly you continue to put out schlocky performances reminiscent of your earlier schlocky performances in Driving Miss Daisy and My Girl in lieu of creations of genuine genius like Elwood Blues.

But to reiterate, the saddest of the three is Steve. What is going on with him and his agent? Surely Steve Martin cannot be that bereft of funds that he has to accept any ole caca that comes along. I mean back in the 70s (from which, to remind you, I am far too young to have any memory), Laurence Olivier was hawking Polaroid cameras and making gems like The Jazz Singer and Clash of the Titans – both of which I proudly admit to loving beyond all measure (I actually own Jazz Singer in 3 formats. Soundtrack, VHS and DVD). I am not ashamed of lovin’ me some Neil Diamond.


But before I begin screaming out “on the boats and on the planes” at the top of my lungs, I brought up Lord Larry for a reason. Olivier made no attempt to hide or excuse the fact he took every crap job that came his way in later years in order to ensure his family’s well-being after his death. Laurence Olivier spent 9/10s of his career giving the world some of the greatest performances and innovations in theatrical history, sacrificing a significant paycheck. Considering he was in increasingly failing health for the last decade of his life, who can blame him for trying to make some easy money towards the end; especially since he was doing it for his family.

I’m really not sure what Martin’s excuse is. Surely he should be making residuals from at least one thing he did in the past. Even if he isn’t making moolah from one of the bazillion magazine articles, plays, CDs or books he’s created, certainly he could sell off one of the Picasso’s or Seurat’s from his private collection if he were that badly in a bind. And let’s face it. A man, who is as clearly a bright, imaginative fellow as Steve Martin, has no reason to do a remake of Peter Sellars’ Pink Panther. And then its sequel. Or Clifton Webb’s Cheaper By the Dozen. And then its sequel. Or Spencer Tracy’s Father of the Bride. And then its sequel. Offhand I can also think of roles originally and memorably created by Phil Silvers, Jack Lemmon and even Marlon Brando that Steve apparently thought weren’t up to his standard. Luckily we have yet to see sequels of these remakes.

You know, it’s not even that I’m adamantly adverse to remakes. Every now and again they can be superior to the original. If your entire career is based on nothing but repetition, however, I think it’s time to reexamine your goals.

Early on Steve Martin generated some genuine magic with the vastly underrated Pennies From Heaven and Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. I’ll even give him a pass on another remake of sorts, Roxanne, because at least he really did make that his own; but that was over two decades ago! Steve has done really nothing on film since that time other than impersonate other actors. He’s been doing it so long he can’t even remember his own personal style. Now it seems he’s attempting to commandeer Karl Malden’s style circa the San Francisco/American Express years.

Steve! Listen to me. Remember your individuality? Don’t leave home without it!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Who? Who??

So I was sitting here procrasti…er…reflecting on some of my past observations here and getting depressed at the revelation I never have an original thought. I mean every time I think I’ve come up with an unusual concept, other people have covered the territory. Like that thing about Mickey Rourke. Or how Keira Knightley’s voice is offensive. And who knew so many people wanted John Simm to be the new Doctor, too?

And then I started to think about the recent announcement of David’s Tennant’s replacement on Doctor Who, and how it wasn't my Johnny. He really should have gotten the role and now the franchise is missing out on a golden opportunity. I’m not happy.

More importantly who is this other new guy? Matt Smith? Smith? Really? Sounds a little too convenient to have the same last name as one of the Doctor’s frequently used aliases. But who knows? Maybe it’s Matty’s real alias because I swear I’ve seen this guy somewhere before and I know that guy was not “Matt Smith.” Hmm.

AHA! I think I’ve got it. Now, let me just put my incredible photoshopping skills to work and I shall unmask this man, Scooby Doo Style. Or, in the following case, I need to mask him to prove my point.

Here is the so-called Matt Smith:

Slap on some heavier eyebrows:

Add mangled beard:

And finally give him a longer, parted in the middle, unkempt hairdo and you’d have:

Former Geico pitchman and star of the short-lived ABC series, Cavemen.

So that’s what happened to that guy. Shaved, got a new doo and new name. And now he’s the new Doctor. I’m not feeling optimistic. Sigh…Let’s just hope Matt “Don’t-Call-Me-Capt-Caveman” Smith doesn’t turn out to be the Ted McGinley of Doctor Who.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

RIP Mr. Roarke

While I hope that now Ricardo Montalban is enjoying a piña colada with Hervé Villechaize in that fantasy island in the sky, my heart is screaming:



My sincerest condolences go out to Ricardo Montalban's family and friends.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Not Really A Golden Globe Recap

As usual, there really is so little reason that I should be writing here when I should be working but since I wasted an eternity watching the Golden Globes last night, I figured I could waste a few more minutes now discussing something here.

I was just planning to make what I thought was the singular observation that after several years of increasingly bizarre transformations, Mickey Rourke has now morphed into an amalgam of Captain Jack Sparrow and Ritchie Sambora.

Sadly, when I went online to find a pic of Mickey’s snazzy new pirate-ing fashion sensibility, I was dismayed to realize that a zillion other people had already come to that conclusion. I guess you could say they beat me to the “punch.” HA! Get it. I wrote “punch.” Cuz like Mickey plays a boxer in his new movie. Oh wait, dangit, he’s a wrestler. In fact I think the title of the movie is…The Wrestler. Way to go, Movie. Ruin the surprise of whether or not Mick’s a boxer by using his occupation in the title.

Now obviously since I haven’t seen this movie I can’t be totally certain, but judging from his past performances from back in the day when he was still considered an A-lister, I’m thinking Mickey’s win last night was more about the critics’ penchant for comeback stories than about real Mickey merit. I mean, he’s just never been that good of an actor. I was always baffled when they used to compare him to a young Marlon Brando. (Hint for any future actors attempting to emulate Brando: his brilliance had nothing to do with either mumbling or dishevelment!)

Far from the likes of Brando, Mickey seemed more like a poor man’s early version of Richard Gere, back in the days when Richard could only express two emotions – quiet rage and regular rage. Like Mickey, Gere was also undeservedly compared with Brando. In fairness to Gere however, while the Brando thing was and continues to be ludicrous, Gere’s has actually gotten better as the years have past. I guess age brought him a broader range of emotions and an understanding of subtlety.

Coincidently both of these actors have also co-starred with Diane Lane, who similarly, is simply not as outstanding an actress as the Hollywood Foreign Press would have had you believe when they gave her a nomination for Unfaithful. Then again, the powers that be over at the Golden Globes have never hidden their love of an actress willing, for the sake of artistry, to show off her own golden globes. (I truly am sorry for that. It really couldn’t be helped. But hey, I’m not the one that named an award show after their love of boobies!)

Still another coincidence concerning these three is that they have all worked with Adrian Lyne, director of Unfaithful. Not surprisingly he, like his aforementioned actors (Gere was also in Unfaithful and Mickey was in Nine ½ Weeks), Lyne has had a lot more attention than he deserves. In fact, I’m unclear how Adrian Lyne garnered any acclaim at all much less how or why he is able to continue to make movies. He is perhaps one of the most unimaginative directors of all time. Thank goodness he’s only had the opportunity to be boring nine times. Here’s hoping he doesn’t direct a tenth movie otherwise we might be stuck with another film filled with starkly lit sets and voyeuristic camera work, consisting of a multitude of rapidly cut sequences and extreme close-ups. Yes, Adrian is clearly fond of the quick zoom button on the camera.

Additionally, a new Lyne film would no doubt feature yet another shot of a rickety old elevator – either those big freight kinds or one of those open-gated kinds that you have to manually pull shut. Lyne has used elevator footage in Unfaithful, Fatal Attraction,
Nine ½ Weeks, and Flashdance. I never saw his first film Mr. Smith and offhand I can’t remember if Foxes, Indecent Proposal, Jacob’s Ladder or Lolita were elevator-laden or not; but I’ve got to assume they were. Adrian jest loves himself any chance to film rip-roarin’ elevator action. It doesn’t matter what kind. Hanging out with dead bodies like Richard Gere in Unfaithful or just riding up with a bike like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. Naturally it was a forgone conclusion, as infamously showcased in Fatal Attraction, Adrian had to film this favorite piece of imagery while incorporating his other favorite piece of imagery – sex.

An Adrian Lyne film would be nothing without gratuitous sex. Nevertheless as with anything in a Lyne movie, even the sex scenes are derivative. Nine ½ Weeks' fun with food scene referenced Jennifer Beals’ love of lobster in Flashdance. Fatal Attraction borrowed its exhibitionism from Nine ½ Weeks. Indecent Proposal used bits from the last two and certainly Unfaithful grabbed stuff from all of the above. Why has no one noticed the fact that Lyne is a one-note hack.

But more importantly, how does this man merit such esteemed status? Because the bottom line is, for every one of Adrian Lyne’s films, if you take out big-name actors and remove the respectable soundtrack, all you’ve got left is late night Cinemax fare. There seems to be only one fundamental difference difference between Lyne and the Skinemax guys. Just like Lyne, the Skinemax directors are fond of recycling their scenes; but when they do it, they get labeled makers of soft-core porn. Lyne, conversely, gets labeled a visual maverick. I don’t get it.

Maybe he made some sort of deal with an unnatural, otherworldly thing and then Mickey found out about it and threatened to expose him and so in retribution, Lyne’s unnatural, otherworldly buddies messed up Mickey’s face because who’s going to listen to someone who looks like they chose to look like that. That can be the only explanation. Or else Mickey really did want to emulate Brando and in a hackneyed way, resorted to various physical transformations in order to possibly one day play the following people. You be the judge:

And just to remind you this is what Mickey’s punim looked like right around Nine ½ Weeks.

Nah, it’s definitely not the Brando thing. Adrian Lyne’s got himself some friends in some very low places who have access to an unending arsenal of ugly sticks.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Never Enough Leo In Your Life

Ok, there really are a plethora of other Leos in the world apart from THAT Leo. There's Da Vinci. There's..um...Tolstoy...um...

Anyway, DiCaprio's an above average actor but I maintain if River Phoenix was still around he would have stolen all of Leo's roles. But that's neither here nor there. (I never really got this expression but I am choosing to employ it here nevertheless. Let it not be said I'm not adventurous. Or let it be said. Wait, was there a double negative in there some where? Ok, digression...)

Point is, the Leo to which I am referring is Leo Sayer and I feel my last blog was remiss in not including at least one video of his. I give you a preemptive "your welcome" again. (Wait, is it "you're welcome? Ok, having focus issues...)



At the :25 mark, Leo looks precariously close to falling over when he picks up that first stone to hurl his angst into the ocean. CAREFUL LEO. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I CAN SAY!

Friday, January 9, 2009

A Lil Something To Assuage Them Post-Holiday Blues

Back from the holidays and tragically super busy already. I have no recourse but to post a simple blog until I have more time. So here is the cover picture from the hit Leo Sayer album "Endless Flight."

You're welcome.