Now of course it is possible the whole alien thing was just a figment of my imagination (i.e. lie). There’s a possibility I haven’t written due to a drug-like induced haze from frequent youtube viewings of old In Search Of episodes - that theme music is about as hypnotic as it gets. Or perhaps I didn’t write because I’ve been ridiculously busy doing incredibly important things. All I know is that you must believe me, Four Readers, when I say I haven’t haven’t written because of laziness!
In any case, regardless of my extraordinarily good excuse for not writing (and after all the jello-laden, freakishly long Howard Hughes toenail clippings are swept under the rug), I thought seeing as I started this blog on election day 2008, and as I type these words in the wee early hours of election day 2010, nothing would suit the occasion better than my take on the vote. And I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me but I have always felt very strongly about this candidate:
There’s simply no question in my mind that in the vote of all-time scariest movies, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory wins hands down!
Perhaps not the vote on many people’s minds on an election day, but seeing as we just got over Halloween, this horrifying film has naturally been on my mind. Possibly TV programmers already realize Wonka’s traumatizing effect on children and that’s the reason I didn’t see this title among any of the usual TV Halloween fare this past Sunday. But make no mistake; this is the single most chilling movie in history. No, not the dopey remake. That one’s merely creepy in a sort of guy-with-toothless-smirk-at-bus-stop-with-hands-buried-deep-inside-own-pockets way. No, I’m talking about the 1971 version with Gene Wilder (seen in above picture, surrounded by Bavarian little people).Now despite the fact that I believe Wilder deserved an Oscar nomination for his brilliant performance in the titular role, there’s no doubt that it’s a such a sinister performance, his own hair attempts to make a break from him at least three times during the course of the film.
My guess is the hair wants to flee before Wonka takes out himself and half the town via his obvious death wish. What death wish you ask? How about that glass wonkavator he’s never tested. Note the look of glee on Wonka’s face when he responds to Grandpa Joe’s exclamation of “but this elevator is made of glass, we’ll be cut to ribbons” with the word “probably.” Now try and remember that the film immediately cuts to a look of pure horror plastered on Charlie’s face. Then think about the fact that if Wonka’s never tested this whole wonkavator before, how the hell is he planning on landing it? Surely his wonkaremotes have a maximum radius before that glass tube winds up crash landing on some unsuspecting children playing in the street, spraying shards of glass and chunks of Wonka hair. And speaking of children…Yes they may be a bit on the nasty side.
Yes Augustus might be an unhygienic behemoth, Violet a nose picker, Veruca a diva with questionable taste in clothing, and Mike a lisping spitter. That still doesn’t seem reason enough for them all to meet with such dire ends, all with accompanying ominous Oompa Loompa singing. Moreover if your first experience with a little person is one with green hair, orange face and who shows up periodically to do things like squeeze children, I don’t care how politically incorrect it is, you’re going to be a little terrified. Worse still, the Oompas don’t seem the least bit phased by the horrific goings-on about them. Notice, for example, their presence on the boat. They just row like demonic versions of Campbell Soup cherubic icons without any reaction to seeing that centipede crawl across that guy’s face or the chicken getting decapitated all to the eerie strains of Wonka’s song regarding the Oompas questionable steering capabilities and general sense of direction. I wish I was exaggerating but all of this actually happens in the movie!
Then we’re supposed to take Wonka’s word that at the end of the tour all the kids have been restored to their normal selves. How do we know? We never see those kids again.
Now think back when everyone’s in the inventing room and Wonka hurls a couple of soccer cleats into that melting pot. If we’re to believe that heretofore no one ever goes in or out of the factory, where on earth do you suppose Wonka picked up that footwear? My guess is he was inspired by that Uruguayan rugby team and made due with the people closest to his factory and THAT’S the real reason for the contest. I mean, why would Wonka be looking for an heir to the factory (the supposed reason for the entire escapade) when he was only in his mid-thirties anyway? 
For all we know those cleats could have belonged to poor Augustus. Notice Augustus never makes it to the inventing room and who’s to say he didn’t enjoy himself some soccer when he wasn’t scarfing down schnitzel. It’s not like anyone bothers to look at Augustus’ feet when he’s stuck in the pipe. I bet you anything he was sporting soccer cleats!
By now I’m sure you’ll agree that Willy Wonka should have at least an R rating for disturbing imagery; but what seals the deal is the upsetting content towards the end of this “children’s film.” The entire ending hinges on Charlie’s bottomless stupidity. Before Charlie has even witnessed all the horrors of the factory with his own eyes, which in and of itself should have made him want to call the authorities as soon as humanly possible, Slugworth offers (in exchange for an everlasting gobstopper) financial aid to Charlie and his family, thereby giving Charlie’s four decrepit, dying grandparents a modicum of grace and comfort after all being stuck in the same rancid, pee-stained bed for twenty years. If Charlie had bothered to think about them for two seconds instead of returning the gobstopper in his sanctimonious and selfish sense of morality, he would have obviously made a beeline straight to Slugworth’s. The fact he doesn’t is probably the only reason Willy Wonka isn’t banned in this country.
If Charlie had actually done the right thing,
the film would have been that much more soul-draining since at that point Charlie would realize that “Slugworth” was really Wonka’s assistant Wilkinson (who, since supposedly Wonka only hires Oompas, must in actuality be an Oompa with gigantism.) And since the real Slugworth hadn’t been trolling schoolyards for gobstoppers, Charlie wouldn’t be able to sell his candy, leaving him back where he started – bereft of money and anything other than cabbage water for sustenance. He would no doubt spend the rest of his days staring at that rotting gobstopper, resenting its mere existence.
Let’s face it; if you don’t think Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a horror movie there is something fundamentally wrong with you and I have nothing more to say about the subject. Now go out there and vote people!
